My first inclination upon learning about Christopher Walken’s intentions to run for President of the United States in 2008, was to make cowbell jokes. Come on…you know you did too. So I did.

But now it’s time to take this seriously, and to begin to examine the politics of Christopher Walken—What does the man stand for? What does he believe? Is he a Republican, a Democrat, or an ever-so-hard to pin down Independant?

I checked out the Politics page on his official campaign Web site, but there wasn’t much there. He did have a mission statement of sorts:

These are the issues that need solutions now, and Christopher Walken is not afraid to address them. He wants his supporters and opponents to know that he is clear in his ideals and will fight to lead America to a better place.

But he only mentioned his thoughts on three topics: Campaign Finance, Military Funding, and Stem Cell Research.

After much searching and thoughtful research, I have found Christopher Walken’s positions on several more political issues—all of which should play a prominent role in his bid for the Presidency:

• On defending his choice of running mate for Vice President — Hey, You’re talking to my guy all wrong here. It’s the wrong tone. You better watch it, or I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that.
• On Presidential Debates — A number of times, the only thing that kept me out of a satin box was that I could size up the other guy maybe half a second quicker than he could me.
• On Health Care — Guys, if I don’t bleed to death pretty soon, I’m gonna die of boredom.
• On Seperation of Church and State — I’m the Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you.
• On the War on Drugs — Talkin’ about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics, hightailed it outta there. Woulda got away with it, but your son, fuckhead that he is, left his driver’s license in a dead guy’s hand.
• On the United States’ role as a World Power — Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that’s demeaning.
• On Religion — “Bless me“? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless… Blessed me? God’s been a real sport to me!
• On Supreme Court Nominations — He’ll deliver more justice in a weekend than ten years of your courts and tribunals.
• On the Possibility of Running Against John Edwards — Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
• On Crime and Punishment — You know what you get for rape? Ten years in a cell! With a gorilla! With a PSYCHO gorilla!
• On Running as a Democrat, Even Though he has no Experience — If you’re the best they’ve got, they’re more likely try and cover up your embarrassing incompetence.

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NOTE: I shamlessly lifted this idea (but not the same quotes) from the venerable Ace of Spades. Flattery and imitation and all that…

Posted by Robbie Cooper on Friday, August 12th, 2005 | Trackback |