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When is it OK for Men to Cry?

Sen. Tom Coburn cries on the floor of the Senate

In response to Senator Tom Coburn (R - OK) crying during his Senate hearing speech to confirm Judge John Roberts to the SCOTUS, AnkleBitingPundit wants to go Godfather on Sen. Coburn and slap him in the face and yell, “You can act like a man.”

Bulldogpundit asks, “When is it OK for men to cry in front of other people?” His list includes:

Birth of a Child
Death in the Family (including a pet)
When the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team Beat the commies.
Illness to a close family member or friend
Playing your last high school or college sporting event

During the following movies:
“Field of Dreams” (only the last scene when he’s playing catch with his Dad)
“Brian’s Song”

I agree with all of those, except for during Field of Dreams. I grew up without a father, so that whole father/son playing catch moment at the end holds no emotional weight for me.

I would add the following times when it’s OK (or was OK) for a man to cry in front of other people:

  • During the 3-volley salute or the playing of taps at the funeral of any Soldier.
  • While watching the Twin Towers burn, watching American citizens jumping from those towers, and then watching the towers fall
  • While visiting Arlington National Cemetery or the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington DC
  • If you’re a Soldier, it’s OK to cry when your feet touch US soil upon returning from a war-time deployment, and when you hug your friends and family for the first time in a long time.
  • If you’re the father, husband, or son of a Soldier, it’s OK to cry when your Soldier leaves for war, and also once they make it back home from that war.
  • Losing your home and everything you’ve ever owned to a fire, a flood, or another natural disaster is a valid reason for tears, too. Thanks to a comment by Ymarsakar in the Comments section, this one needs to be deleted. Read the comments to find out why.
  • I cried during President Reagan’s funeral, albeit in the privacy of my living room.
  • I might have also let loose a tear while watching Cal Ripken break Lou Gehrig’s consecutive game streak in 1995

When else is it OK for a man to cry in front of other people?

***
UPDATE: Hearing bagpipes play Amazing Grace at the funeral of a hero (a fallen police officer or fireman usally).

UPDATE II: Welcome Wall Street Journal Opinion Journal readers. We’re currently a little pre-occupied with Hurricane Rita down here near the Texas coast, but we’ll resume regular non-hurricane-related (hopefully) blogging next week.

Posted by Robbie Cooper on Tuesday, September 13th, 2005 | Trackback |

27 Responses to “When is it OK for Men to Cry?”

How do you know, Robbie, what motivated those tears? I saw them too. He’s a physician…he has seen suffering…he’s humanitarian. What the F is so wrong with tears? Let him cry. What the F would make Kennedy cry? Losing his stolen ggfather’s money?

Left by dianne on September 13th, 2005 at 10:15 pm

correction…losing his ggfather’s stolen money

Left by dianne on September 13th, 2005 at 10:17 pm

Like I said, Dianne, there is a time to cry — even for men. But on the Senate floor — when all you’re talking about is the “divisiveness” between the Left and the Right — is NOT the time.

There are times when remaining strong (or at least holding up the outward appearance of strength) is much more valuable then being an emotional sissy.

Some people might think that it’s ok for men to cry at the drop of the hat —any time, any where. I don’t.

“It takes a really big man to cry”

“It takes a bigger man to laugh at him.”

As for Teddy — the guy doesn’t even have tear ducts If you can’t cry after you drown a young woman in a river, you don’t have the ability to cry about anything.

Left by Robbie on September 14th, 2005 at 7:44 am

It is okay for a man to cry in times of great joy.

It is okay for a man to cry for those that he loves, his brothers in arms and his family.

It is not okay for a man to cry in the face of sadness and personal setbacks.

It is not okay for a man to cry when he doesn’t get what he wants in life.

It is not okay for a man to cry when he is helpless and unable to do anything to save himself.

Left by Ymarsakar on September 15th, 2005 at 2:19 am

Well said, Ymarsakar.

Especially your last two points about when it’s not OK for a man to cry — there are times when a man especially needs to show strength, if not for himself, then for the sake of his family and others who depend on him.

So, I take back “when you lose your house” as an acceptable time to cry in front of others. After the fact—after you’ve gotten your family to safety, found them safe alternative shelter, and made a plan about what to do next—then, in a private spot away from your family, then you can cry for your loss. But not in front of the family. They need you to be a man at a moment like that.

Left by Robbie on September 15th, 2005 at 8:02 am

At a military funeral, when the “missing man” formation flies overhead.

Left by Rittenhouse on September 22nd, 2005 at 3:07 pm

Also, the last scene in “Tin Cup.”

Left by Tom on September 22nd, 2005 at 3:08 pm

Some movies get me every time. One is Hatari. Something about John Wayne and three baby elephants chasing Elsa Martinelli through town just flip a switch somewhere in my head. Happy endings tend to be more tear-inducing than sad ones.

Other than that, it’s strictly the family deaths.

Left by Gary on September 22nd, 2005 at 3:32 pm

When a buddy didn’t make it back or didn’t make it back whole but you did. Your friend deserved to make it. You think that you failed in your most important job; you were to have his back. Cry, man.

Left by Greg on September 22nd, 2005 at 4:05 pm

When you ask your wife to marry you and she says yes.

Left by Carl on September 22nd, 2005 at 5:13 pm

It’ s not OK for a politician to cry during a debate. Emotional pleas are the tools of a person with no logic or facts on his side.

I’ve seen a lot of men choke up when speaking about God and their spiritual experiences. Other than televangelists, I respect that.

Left by AST on September 22nd, 2005 at 5:43 pm

It’s OK to cry in front of others when you first hold your newborn child.

Left by Chris on September 22nd, 2005 at 5:46 pm

Second one, too.

Left by Jeff on September 22nd, 2005 at 6:56 pm

Despite the fact that I don’t like the French very much… in the movie Casablanca, when the French sing their national anthem to drown out the nazis…it gets me every time.

Left by john on September 22nd, 2005 at 7:21 pm

Movies:
Old Yeller and Ordinary People.
In tenth grade when we tricked the proctor into asking for “Dick Hertz” not once but repeatedly. I laughed so hard I cried.

Left by d hoffman on September 22nd, 2005 at 11:29 pm

It’s not ok to cry:

1. When getting an award from the so-called Academy

2. When a sportsman retires, or gets traded, or wins the big one, or is found with stanozolol in his back pocket.

Left by Madrigal on September 23rd, 2005 at 12:41 am

When Augustus dies in lonesome dove

Left by james on September 23rd, 2005 at 6:23 am

It’s okay to cry at Memorial Day ceromonies at your father’s WWII cemetery in France. In fact, it’s not okay not to cry, even if your father died whey you were a baby, before you knew him.

Left by JACK on September 23rd, 2005 at 7:04 am

At the playing of the Marine Corps Hymn at the funeral of any Marine.

Left by Mike on September 23rd, 2005 at 7:24 am

I think that as one moves through life, an occasional ‘out of left field’ type of crying happens, as pent up emotions find a convenient outlet. That guy in NO who was seen early in the coverage who had tried to hold on to his wife’s hand, and had lost her? When I saw that, I just opened up. I didn’t know him, but it just came out.

Left by Bill on September 23rd, 2005 at 9:17 am

What is up with all these “cry after a soldier comes home or leaves for military service or dies”? they choose to be they and fight and be away and die i could understand crying or mourning them if they were were drafted and had no choice but they wernt they choose to join and they choose to fight and choose to die, i dont see anyone praising garbage men do you? and the keep the streets clean of garbage and smelly things you wont dare touch and would rather die than smell or what about mortitions? they keep the dead not smelly by embalming them so they dont rot and smell while your looking at the dead and if they didnt embalm them funerals today would be so differnt people would want to get out as fast as they could which they should anyways the dead die so that we may live why put our lives on hold and morn for the dead when it dishonors them it would honor them more if we proved how we feel by living and trying to make the world a better place than some drama filled news of misplaced patriotism for leaders and goverments that only care about preserving their own power and money. anyways enough of my rant an ok time for someone to cry in public is when they are getting married but only durring the ceremony and when they kiss the bride and perhaps the first dance but not anymore than that.

Left by Anon on November 1st, 2005 at 11:19 am

ok, I just wanted to say somethin about that movie called field of dreams, i dont usually cry , i’m not emotional, really but i have to say i cried my eyes off during the last scene when you see kevin costner’s character asks his returned-from-the-past father: “Hey, Dad, you wanna have a catch?”

Left by Lt Speirs on December 25th, 2005 at 6:39 pm

i cried when my best friend died in the army and if anyone has a problem with people crying over a son,husband or anyone they knew. if anyone who thinks thats stupid to cry over then they should get a life

Left by thomas stollenwerk on February 12th, 2006 at 5:29 pm

WOW….why is it that we as men can not just be human. Why is it that we have to rules, when to cry and when not to cry. How to cry, where not to cry and soforth. Placing those rules upon our young boys has jaded some of their feelings and caused them to second guess their emotions on what is being a man in times of leadership or compassion. Crying comes in diffrent phases’. There are tears flowing; whimpering; outburst; and laughter. Each one has their place and is a great emotional outlet in its proper time. Do not place rules and restrictions on crying….can you place a restriction on breathing? - both are good and vital for the soul. My personal thought.

Left by O'MORRIS ADAMS on June 7th, 2006 at 12:36 am

Shawshank Redemption. ‘Nuff said.

Left by Anonymous on June 6th, 2008 at 10:55 pm

I must be terribly weak because in addition to those normal and apparently acceptable times for a man to cry, I have trouble with the national anthem and take me out to the ball game…

Left by tom on June 30th, 2008 at 9:13 am

[...] wrote a post a few years ago about when it’s Ok for a grown man to cry in [...]

Left by UrbanGrounds » Blog Archive » Marine Dad Surprises His Son School on December 17th, 2008 at 6:57 pm

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