UPDATE: Welcome CollegeHumor.com readers.
Ethan Albright is a 12 year pro in the National Football League (NFL). Albright is known as one of the NFL’s best and most reliable long snappers.
That’s right. He’s not even a real, every-down lineman. He’s made a great career out of being able to long snap the football back to the punter on punting downs.
At 6′5″ and 265 lbs, he’s somewhat small for an offensive lineman. But apparently he’s just the right size for a long snapper.
Before joining the NFL, Albright was a four-year letterman and two-year starter at the University of North Carolina, where he was a member of the Academic All-Atlantic Coast Conference team as both a senior and a junior.
Which makes the following letter to John Madden regarding his player rating on the Madden NFL Football 2007 video game all the more hysterical (in the video game, Albright is the lowest rated player in the entire video game).
This is one of the funniest (and a bit vulgar) things I’ve read in a long time:
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom.
It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me†Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?
I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.
I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.
John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a – 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.
Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.
I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.
Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.
Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright
h/t to Ace.
Apparently, someone isn’t happy with their Madden NFL 2007 rating… http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ Posted in Game News | No Comments »
http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright
nope, he didn’t write it but laughed his butt off when he read it. The post did an article on this:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/04/AR2006120401008.html
Ethan Albright, 12-year long snapper in the NFL, calls out John Madden.
tremendous impact on the NFL and its fans. No longer surprising, but always fun to see a concrete example of the power of games in full effect. Relatedly, a very funny (but fake) letter from Madden’s lowest-rated NFL player is getting lots of attention. (warning: letter full of profanity) I forgot to mention earlier: Pogo has implemented a new virtual currency called “Gemsâ€, which can be used to buy virtual items, etc. A development worth watching given Pogo
pablum that a few corpses will actually be more shocking than an entire population of pale-skinned, carpal-crippled, diabetics with soaring blood-pressure and cheetos-orange stained fingers? Part two of this sports-in-games weekend-write-up is an article from UrbanGrounds
Ethan Albright Writes a Letter to John Madden [IMG Ethan Albright]Ethan Albright is a 12 year pro in the National Football League (NFL). Albright is known as one of the NFL’s best and most reliable long snappers. That’s right. He’s not even a
I don’t play silly computer games myself (unless you count Excel Spreadsheets), but here’s a review from an expert that you need to read.
of the hours spent playing Madden. If indeed the game knowledge translates so well to real football, then EA has done a fantastic job of modeling the sport. The other side can be ugly (and hilarious): the lowest-ranked player in the game fires off an angry letter to John Madden in complaint. Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden
Madden got pwned
UrbanGrounds » Blog Archive » Ethan Albright Writes a Letter to John Madden
That is pretty comical!
“…sideways with a lunchbox”??? hahaha! I’m soooo going to use that one!
you realize this wasnt actually written by ethan albright right? you probably shouldnt present it as if it was.
[...] Posted at detroit.craigslist.com [...]
[...] Posted at Sacramento.craigslist.com [...]
[...] Posted at Providence.craigslist.com [...]
Would love to see Madden’s response.
[...] Posted at Boston.craigslist.com [...]
[...] Posted at Atlanta.cragislist.com [...]
[...] Posted at NewYork Craigslist [...]
[...] this is hysterical [...]
[...] If this is true it’s fucking funny [...]
[...] If this is true it’s fucking funny [...]
[...] too funny to miss [...]
[...] posted at Miami.craigslist.com [...]
[...] Cross-posted at 3rdbase.com [...]
[...] I rate you a 12… This is CLASSIC. [...]
[...] Ethan Albright lets Madden know how he feels / rofl, not even going to quote it here my chest hurts __________________ [...]
[...] I doubt this is true. But I laughed pretty damn hard. [...]
[...] An imagined letter from UNC alum and worst-ranked player in the Madden video games, Ethan Albright, to John Madden. [...]
Who cares if it’s real or not. It’s still friggin hilarious!!
[...] Ethan Albright Writes a Letter to John Madden [...]
[...] If you still wish to visit this URL, click here. [...]
[...]Â An imagined letter from UNC alum and worst-ranked player in the Madden video games, Ethan Albright, to John Madden. [...]
[...] This might be one of the funniest things ive read in a while. Ethan Albright who is a lineman for the Redskins is not to happy about his player rating in madden 2007. and tears Jon Madden apart for it. GREAT read.Albright VS Madden [...]
[...] 10/24/2006 9:32 PM Ethan Albright writes a letter to John Madden. [...]
funniest thing I have read in a while….real or not
[...] To: John Madden CC: Electronic Arts Sports From: Ethan Albright Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07 http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
[...] here is a link to a letter to john madden from the redskins longsnapper about his player rating on madden 07 [...]
[...]Â Read the whole letter. I promise you it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. [...]
[...] So, Ethan Albright, the 12 year long-snapper for the Rednecks was rated the lowest player in the NFL in Madden NFL Football 2007. Here is his opinion on the matter. [...]
[...] Good laugh Ethan Albright writes a letter to John Madden. Definitely worth the read and game me a chuckle. Be warned that there is some NAUGHTY words in it! Read the artical here! __________________ [...]
[...] We were laughing so hard at this that nothing could get done until we recomposed ourselves. Enjoy! [...]
[...] This will brighten up your dayBy schnifinPosted on Wed Oct 25, 2006 at 02:50:14 PM EST http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ It is (supposedly) a letter from Ethan Albright, the Redskins long snapper and the worst rated player on Madden ‘07. Warning that language wise it is NSFW. [...]
[...] We wer laughing so hard at this that nothing could get done until we recomposed ourselves. http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ Enjoy! [...]
The funny thing is that I think I hate John Madden as much as this guy, but thats just for all the games he’s ruined by being such an idiot. I can only watch a game he’s announcing if the volume is turned off.
[...] 35317. Great Article – Must Read [...]
Holy shit I dont care if it was written by him or not that was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.
This is a registered document and was written by Albright but meant as a joke.
I love it
[...] This is funny.http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/Some language in there that is NSFW. [...]
thats almost as outstanding as Mien Kampf
Hey thats not Nice!
INDEED!!!!
this is stupid
are you kidding me, work a little harder and play a little more and you’ll get a better rating, good night!!!
theres no way this is true….
It is true. It’s not meant seriously…but it is true.
I’m in pain from laughing!! Real, fake, in jest, gotta like it! 12, 1 or zero great numbers to make one laugh
[...] Churchill : F-U-N-N-Y: «link» [...]
[...] That’s some damn funny shit. Even for a long snapper [...]
[...] Lots of swearing, but a good read for football fans and people whom play John Madden games..
http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ The Undead Band-Aid [...]
[...] trackback to fantasyfootball league.com [...]
[...] THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! NSFW!http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
[...] Washington Redskins Blog Buzz Good Re: Being worst rated player on Madden ?07 Low rating in Madden 2007? Better set that straight Ethan Albright Strikes Back Ethan Albright Writes a Letter to John Madden Freddie Millions [...]
how much input does john madden have in rating the players anyway? i think it was just an excuse to get some pictures of Fat Bastard’s look alike on the web.
[...] My daily visitors count at UrbanGrounds is typically around 350 unique visitors. However, a recent post about a letter from Ethan Albright to John Madden was linked on the front page of CollegeHumor. Here’ s my resulting Traffic Meter for that post: [...]
[...] THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! NSFW!http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
[...] This is some funny stuff. [...]
i about shit myselft laughing so hard reading this!
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
[...] This is going around, not sure if people have posted this anywhere, but it’s fricken hilarious. Ethan Albright is the worst rated player in madden 07 and ‘wrote’ a letter to madden, whether it’s real of not, its hilarious! Since there’s swearing every other word, i don’t know if i can post it, so here’s the link… http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
[...] note***the language is vulgar but it is sooo funnyLink (new window) [...]
[...] Someone finally stepped up to John Madden! http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/_________________ [...]
[...] Not really sure where to put this.. http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ __________________ There is a time for action and a time for diplomacy, and diplomacy is dead. [...]
[...] thats the funniest fucking thing ive ever read. i like the rock for breakfast part. hilarious(Reply to this) (Anonymous) 2006-11-03 02:57 am UTC (link) oops. this is chickeebabee
(Reply tothis) [...]
[...] amazing letter to John Madden from the lowest rated player in the Madden ‘07 NFL Football Game. [urbangrounds.com] back to the shit » [...]
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/Figured I'd give you guys a good laugh. I laughed my ###### off when I read this. Enjoy. [...]
[...] Love letter to John Madden Ethan Albright isn’t a big fan of Madden 2007 — or his ratings. Read the wildly obscene rantings of this Redskin lineman: http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ Warning…this is a right wing web site…so don’t panic when you see the pro-Bush stuff, OK? [...]
Hilarious. Made funnier by the fact that I am a die-hard Redskins fan and actually know who Ethan Albright is. Great Long Snapper though. He has puts some good spin on the ball
[...] Ethan Albright Writes a Letter to John Madden sorry if this is dell, its hilarious [...]
[...] A letter to John Madden….. True? Who gives a shit, it’s funny. http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ __________________ "The Lord is all that, I need for nothing. The fact that you have me covered allows me to chill. He provides me with back-up in front of my player-haters and I know that I am a baller and life will be phat." -Psalm 23 http://www.turn2photos.com [...]
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/_________________ http://www.myspace.com/ilikeemus ^THE MYSPACE^ [...]
[...] Ok, I found the link. Just scroll down to the letter after the bio of Ethan Albright, it is there. [...]
[...] Excellent, excellent read from a letter by the worst rated player in the game. Doubt if it’s real but it brightened my day: http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
[...] Read This its really funny [...]
[...] I doubt this is real, but it’s still funny as hell http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ Offline [...]
I WANNA C THE DAMN CHALLENGES
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ Funniest thing I’ve read in a whileeeeeeeeeee….It’s a letter to Madden from an offensive lineman on the Redskins about being the lowest rated player on Madden 07…got swears in it so be prepared_________________ Thanks bojanglesmn!!!! There is such a thing called clutch and David Ortiz is the modern day definition of it [...]
this is a true story, they read it ON THE AIR of WEEI, in boston
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ ——————– beer [...]
[...] My roommate showed this to me and its fucking hilarious. http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
wow dude.. that was so funny.. i was laughing so much
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
[...] this is funny http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ __________________ Owner/GM, Utica Wombats Solecismic Series Champs – 2015 Vaughan League Champs – 2015 Nor’Easter Division Champs – 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2010, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2023 Former Owner/GM, Hudson Valley Hippies AC Champions – 2003 AC South Division Champs – 2003 AC Wild Card – 2007 [...]
[...] If you like football, you should read this! Read the “Ethan Allbright letter to John Madden” about his rating system. It is one of the most funny things I have ever read. Has some language (should not be a problem for most in this board) Everyone have a happy Thanksgiving! Hope the link works? [...]
[...] Ethan Albright wrote a hilarious letter to John Madden where he takes issue with his ratings on Madden’s NFL Football 20007 video game.Warning – Adult language.Click here to read the letter.Jonathan Swift is smiling in his grave (he brought invective to its ne plus ultra). [...]
[...] Ethan Albright Writes a Letter to John Madden Shared by glog on Oct 19, 2006 1:13 pm. quote | edit | delete Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to …… Read more… [...]
ethan i picked u first in my nfl fantasy draft…i believe in you and ur red pubes
shame that this is out there:
1. Why would a college graduate care what a video game rates him. I’ve never played Madden nor do I care to and I find it hard to believe that Ethan Albright does.
2. If Ethan Albright did write this letter, I have lost much respect for UNC if they gave a man with so little respect for the English language a degree. Really, I hope that a college graduate would have the ability and decorum to represent himself without utilizing the vulgarities that are the basis of the ignorant’s language.
this is seriously the fucnniest shit i’ve ever read
it is true it was on ESPN one day
You know what would be really funny, if someone wrote a letter exactly like this to Madden only they were complaining that there rating was to high, no that is something I would love to see.
that is fuckin funny
Who the hell is John Madden
Your an idiot malcolm… he is the guy that you jerk off too
Who is this LaDainian Tomlinson guy everyone is talking about on television???
Why is this guy so pissed at John Madden? What does the New Jersey Devils center have anything to do with a video game?
i just peed my pants
holy crud that was funny!!
This thing is pimp i think u might be the skinniest kid alive
ethan albright is my hero
hah Maddens resopse was taking him out of the game lol
Wow, that is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. Hats off to Ethan Albright for doing an excellent job making his point. I admire his writing style…he has quite the way with words.
i read this shit in school got to be the funnyest shit ever …… 53 thats is shitty i am from Det we drafted Crack haed rogers hes a 78 does even play anymore if ethan was on the lions you would be a started for sure we need all the help we can get over in D town
THIS WAS FUCKING HALARIOUS, I LAFFED MY ASS OFF!
[...] but not quite as funny as this…i just got done laughing myself into tears…enjoy http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/_________________I‘m a non-practicing virgin!! [...]
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/lmfao please read this [...]
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/_________________Government exists to protect us from each other. Where government has gone beyond its limits is in deciding to protect us from ourselves. Ubuntu, more popular then boobs. [...]
[...] The lowest rated madden player fights back Ethan Albright the Redskins Long snapper and Lowest Rated Madden07 player has written a letter to John Madden. http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/17/ethan-albright/ [...]
Ahhh, it is missing the best part of the copy I got of that. The one I read ends with…
“When I am not snapping balls, I snap necks.”
dawg u fuckin suck. how u play 186 games n aint start none! u sorry as fuck. Im highly surprised your on special teams. You cant expect mcuh from a player who plays 12 years and doesn’t play any games.
Man i’ll have a better NFL career than you will have. You sorry ass fuck so shut the fuck up stop being a pussy and stop playing madden lol
Andre is a homo what is he on about? he will have a better nfl career? lol good one, no one is better than the mighty Ethan Albright, yeya. Dawg lol
Ethan Albright is a LONG SNAPPER dumbass, of course he’s never started a game.. but of course your NFL career has been limited to playing Madden so I wouldn’t expect YOU to know that. That being said I absoutely LOVED that letter, funny as heck. Someone needs to write a response from John Madden.
this is true because ethan albright is not in any maddens after this letter
This guy talking smack about John Madden is stupid. I don’t consider him Human look at how ugly he is he looks like a teletubi with that big head
[...] Ethan Albright’s Letter to John Madden and EA Sports: It’s August, which means to video game fans ’round the nation that it’s time for the new Madden game. So, I take this opportunity to show you this letter: around this time three years ago, Ethan Albright, dismayed by the fact that he received the lowest ranking of any player in the game, wrote a vitriolic communiqué to not only EA Sports, but to John Madden himself. He explains that “this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss [his] mother-fucking ass.” [...]
[...] Ross M and Urbangrounds.com Category: Had it up to here Tags: Madden, NFL, reputation, video [...]
[...] http://urbangrounds.com/2006/10/ethan-albright/ [...]