The Code of the West
A Cowboy’s Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender

* A smart ass just don’t fit in a saddle.
* After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
* Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.
* Don’t get mad at somebody who knows more ‘n you do. It ain’t their fault.
* Don’t let so much reality into your life that there’s no room left for dreamin’.
* Don’t never interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ you none.
* Don’t squat with yer spurs on!
* Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
* Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.
* Go after life as if it’s something that’s got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, it probably ain’t.
* If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
* If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin’ boots.
* If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
* It don’t matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it.
* It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
* Makin’ it in life is kinda like bustin’ broncs: you’re gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin’ back on.
* Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
* Never ask a man the size of his spread.
* Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
* Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
* Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.
* Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
* Never miss a chance to rest your horse.
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
* No matter who says what, don’t believe it if it don’t make sense.
* Talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much.
* Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.
* The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
* The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
* The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
* The wildest critters live in the city!
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
* When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
* When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
* Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.
* You don’t need decorated words to make your meanin’ clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin’.